baby, i'm bad news.

six days and counting. i'm so nervous, scared, excited, worried, happy, confused, and so much else. i don't know what to think. i'm too little to be moving out. i wish i had another year of school, or perhaps at times i think i should have taken a gap year. i don't know. i have so much i need to sort out. like i need to do the drive to oxford so i actually know where i'm going. everyone else seems so excited about a new start and meeting new people and stuff. and i was so excited, but now im just worried i wont make any friends due to this whole accommodation situation, and it just stresses me out and makes me all anxious about going. ugh.

i'm so tired all the time. i think i'm worn out. been worn out due to going out too much. emotions. a lot of things. i just can't seem to go a day feeling completely awake and not run down at all. things still bother me about him. i don't know what it is. i'm over it, i really am. i just think its the whole aspect of him not being in my life at all. but no matter what i say or do is going to change anything. maybe i'm just feeling lonely. it really upsets me sometimes how life is all about us finding our soul mate, reproducing and dying. and all we ever seem to do is keep searching for that one person. its our one and only aim in life. everyone has the same one. and if people aren't in a relationship they aren't happy. we have to find love in other people before we can love and appreciate ourselves.

i'm so fed up of trying to be perfect. imperfections are what make people them, we all have them, some just more than others. people trying to mould me to be someone i not was actually working for a long time and i thought i was completely happy with it. but im not perfect, and i do apologise, but i'm not. and everyone else in the whol entire world knows they aren't also. and i've recently realised i'm really scared of being myself. if people didn't like me before, it's for someone who i wasn't. but now if people don't like me, its because they don't like me, and thats fucking scary. 'i don't give a fuck what you think or say', well quite frankly i think i do. and although i shouldn't care, everyone listens to what people think of them and everyone takes insults to heart. or maybe it is just me.

i need to get off myspace. it shows me things i don't want to know, and just seems to make my life a misery. the less i'm on that shit the better. but its an actual addiction i swear. i have like withdrawal symptoms. i have a stupid urge to stalk people all the time, and it leads me to just find out unwanted information and wastes hours and hours of my time. i get myself involved in stuff that i would be even less than remotely interested in real life. and i just keep looking at pictures of times, and remembering things. someday soon everything will work out.

patience. patience. patience.


'and I'd whisper that I love you as you fall out of your clothes. and we'd lay there in the darkness like this dream of you I had, where we captured all the fireflies and knew what time we had could be counted on our fingertips and that almost made you cry.
but you let me hold you tightly as we said all our goodbyes'

i've been so busy lately i haven't even thought about livejournal. i apologise. i should really update this more. i'm off to uni soon. but without any fucking accommodation. i guess we will see how that works out. i'm so stressed out by it. im on o2 now. and i'm so happy. its amazing.
and that is all i can be bothered to do.
more to do lists? CBA. i have too many already.

i'm getting there.

i'm going to start to make a scrap book. i need to take off all the things on my walls cause my dad wants to paint them while im at uni and whilst the extension is going on. & i've always wanted something that will remind me of all the places i've been and the things i've seen. gigs, tickets, pictures, postcards. random things. little things. but they all mean something. another thing i'm excited about is my charm bracelet that georgie got me for my birthday, i've always wanted one, and now i can slowly build it. and hopefully each one will have a meaning and it will be nice to look back and remember things. i'm so exctied about seeing the lion king with charlotte and harriet too. SO excited.
busy week. results and parties all week. being eighteen is so much better than being seventeen. i want to stay eighteen forever.
i read a quote on post secret today that really made me think about things, "I'm so sure and scared. I'm always going to be that girl who is never enough." it was written by a married woman. and that just really made me wonder if people are going to feel that way for their whole life. i hope i dont. i hope i find someone where i actually feel like i am worth there time and i am actually good enough.


time will only tell.

HI, I'M EIGHTEEN.
THANKS.
BYE.


:)

luke pickett last night was amazing. even if he thought he had a bad throat, he was definitely sounding pretty amazing to me. his voice is actually the most beautiful thing i have ever heard.
his lyrics are positively the most beautiful thing also. wow.

the casino brawl

release me. set me on fire. i'll treat you better than you treat yourself. tell me - i'm worth more than anything or anyone else.
bled me dry on a Sunday afternoon. no tears left, i've cried them all for you. you hold the cards. you're my queen of hearts, it's true. pull my arm and i'll take good care of you.

wide awake and you're hoping for someone to walk through that open door.

got my tuxedo on, i'm ready for gun war. i've never bled so hard after casino brawl. now pull the knife from my ever bleeding heart. tell me now your words never meant me harm.
on my way to the ritz to meet with you. so much time, so little left to do. pay the bill, now my fears have come true. this table for one was always meant for two.

wide awake and you're hoping for someone to walk through that open door.

i'm all alone with you, but who am I to make a move? i've waited so long to prove that i'm in love with you. (will every door that's open lead me straight to you?)

now what's going on?

to do list:
1. eat more fruit
2. loose weight
3. get fit
4. write a letter to him
5. write goodbye letters
6. earn more money
7. buy things for uni
8. get over you.


i'll strike these out as i do them. (but most of them just are not going to happen)

i need to start making choices with my head and not my heart.
or maybe it doesn't matter what decisions i make. perhaps everything is already chosen, and made out the way it is going to be.

karma just keeps coming back for more at the moment though, doesn't it.

(i'm also loving uploading pictures and putting them on here. more of a visual memory then writing it down. also seems to save me a heck of a lot of time)

breathe.
breathe.
breathe.

i've managed to make myself constantly occupied until today. and it's helping. with the building work in my house going on, i'm not wanted in the house anyway, so it's nice to be out and about. when i'm alone, i keep analysing things over and over. to a point where it becomes ridiculous. i'm beginning to look too much in to things, and i hate it.

i also don't appreciate how all my plans are made about a day or so before i actually do them. so i've made a list, and i want to fill it in all in advance. (i'm trying to improve my organisational skills before i go to university).





only ten days until i'm eighteen. and i cannot wait to actually be able to use my own id and actually be able to do things that my friends could have done about a year ago. the idea of being an 'adult' is one i do not want to associate with. i feel like the past like three years has just flown by without me really knowing what happened.

i need to stop analysing and rest my mind.
stop.
rest.
stop.
stop.
stop.



edit at 22:40: i have made a lot of my entries friends only/private just because they have a lot of personal memories in them & i have finally decided to inform people that i have this. 

& they were only words and i never meant them.

six: it still hurts.
five: i have adopted an unhealthy obsession with one of your ex-girlfriends.
four: i have adopted an unhealthy obsession with alexa chung.
three: i keep singing when i'm alone. but i still won't in front of people.
two: i need closure.
one: you.


remember when i used to be your everything.
& now i'm nothing at all?

“You've never been in love?
Not even close.
And no ones ever in love with you?
Men always want to fuck me, but no one has ever loved me.
I don't Believe that.
It's True.
I stare back.
If it makes a difference, I' dont want to fuck you.
She laughs.
Thanks.
I think you're beautiful, but I wouldn't fuck you because when we were done, i wouldnt want you to feel fucked. I would try to make love to you, and I would probably be clumsy and awkward, but when it was over, I would want you to feel loved.
She smiles.
Thank you, James.
I smile.
Thank you,Lilly.”

& i thought things were good.
i'm pretty oblivious to everything.

(i never said i was the best thing for you)



edit:
florida was amazing. i spent a lot of time missing home and i regret it so much now i'm home. but i honestly had the best time in the world.
i wish i could go back.

exams are going well. although i seem to be sidetracked thinking about other things. & it was a bad time for things to happen. but i guess it doesn't matter as everything is fixed, and better than it ever has been with jw. only two more days until i'm on a plane to the best place in the world where i can actually just relax and hang out with gemma.
two
weeks
of
bliss.

:) super.

right now exam stress is pulling me downwards. and things at home aren't exactly correct. (i hope when i read this in time i'll still remember what happened). but people have been there for me, including jw, and knowing that they care about me is the nicest feeling in the world. i couldn't ask for a better feeling than that of being loved, cared for, and missed.

keeping up appearances for padre though.

gez's party this weekend. should be good. & i'm beginning to think the other new people at work might be beginning to like me a little more than i first thought.

i've never felt more at home somewhere. everyday waking up and going to that school was like going to my comfort place. just even sitting in the common room, or walking down the corridors and have people shout my name, people smile, people sort of acknowledge that we are there, and we are leaving. it doesn't feel like it's over. maybe because i know i'll be going in to take my exams, and i guess i'll still see everyone over summer. the great thing about today is the way i know i can contact my friends via phone, text, email. it's so simple. yet i don't know who will be willing to make the effort anymore. i guess this is when we all find out who our real friends are.
at school we all dressed up, and due to the social divide that is in my school, half went as geeks and other superheroes. i basically got fran to paint on my face and wore georgie's 5 year old brothers spiderman shorts. the weather was a bit crappy, which was lame cause we were all hoping for the weather like the rest of the week. and we had to have our end of year photo inside.



lunch was amazing, pushed all the tables together, and our whole year just sat as one, screaming songs and making as much noise as possible.the leavers meal was the most emotional thing ever. & the food was lovely. & my table was lovely. & everyone looked lovely. it was perfect. everything was perfect.


RMS was perfect.
i don't think i could have asked for a more incredible seven years.

thank you.